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And I Wanted To ..... (Partner Revenge Fantasies)

Disclaimer: this article is meant in good fun. I don't advocate physical or verbal violence against one's partner, and I certainly don't practice it, at least not against YOUR partner.

I recently separated from a partner I had played with, sporadically, sinceMarch of this year. Please understand that pard is a well-educated and highly intelligent person, a retired professional, who invests in and reads good books, studies the game intensely, and has insisted that we discuss and clarify all of our conventions, agreements, and followups. Nonetheless, he has limited table experience, and for that reason asked me to partner him so that he might have the opportunity to learn more than he would from a player closer to his own level. For a relative novice, he can do quite well at the table. His declarer play, especially at no trump, is consistently good. In other words, he has talent, and potential for improvement. BUT....there is a screw loose somewhere.

In the following hands, I am North. Please forgive the sloppy hand diagrams; I just learned to do them.

West
A105
Q94
1083
K974
North
QJ2
J2
AQJ4
A1065
East
K864
75
962
J832
South
973
AK10863
K75
Q
W
N
E
S
P
1NT
P
4
P
4
P
5
?
D

The auction ended with partner's 5 - the question mark is simply because I hadn't read where it says to enter AP. When the smoke had cleared, we were down one. "J - don't we play Texas? It's right here on our card." "I guess I forgot." "I don't understand why you didn't just transfer with 2. Why did you jump to game?" "I don't know."

And I wanted to....

Rip up his convention card and force the pieces dealing with transfers down his throat.

But I didn't.

----

West
Q32
AKJ
AQJ109
87
North
AJ1085
Q876
K432
East
6
105
8765
K109632
South
K974
9432
AQJ54
W
N
E
S
 
1
P
2
X
P
3
3
P
4
P
5
P
5
P
P
P
D
5 North
NS: 0 EW: 0

Following my 4 bid, E-W and I began to put our bids away, but pard said he wasn't done yet, and spent many long seconds in the tank before emerging with his bizarre 5 call. After the set, me striving mightily to make 5 and going down 1 more than necessary, I asked why he took us out of our fit - was he making some sort of slam try? He thought for a minute and said he didn't remember. Sure, that's perfectly believable.

And I wanted to...

Pour my hotblack coffee, the color of my spades and his clubs, down the front of his pants.

But I didn't.

----

There is an error online at ACBL Live hand records for this board, so I can't recreate the hand correctly. Partner definitely had the A, not me. We were defending 4, and I was on lead. I chose the top (Q) of my doubleton , hoping for the remote possibility of a ruff. I had A-small in , so I thought I might have a chance. Declarer cooperated by ducking the Q (bad move), and I played the low , which he took in hand. He then led a trump and I hopped up with my A. I didn't like my chances in , so I sent pard a and struck gold - he had the A. Now surely he would send me a . Notwithstanding his collection of 5 , pard put 2+2 together and came up with 7-1/2. So he led from the top of his KQxx, declarer took the stiff A, and I never got my ruff. He tried to justify what he did as a reasonable line of play. I don't want to reproduce here what I said to him. It might cause some of you to blush and grow faint.

And I wanted to...

Stuff some small approximately club-shaped bits of his anatomyinto the back of a Bridge Buddy and snap it closed.

But I didn't.

----

West
852
K975
Q107
1042
North
1063
A106
6532
976
East
AQJ
432
AK84
KJ8
South
K974
QJ8
J9
AQ53
W
N
E
S
1
X
P
2
2NT
P
P
P
D
2NT East
NS: 0 EW: 0

This may or may not be the right board, but the play of the suit is the same. Guessing at the auction and contract here - my score sheet isout in the car and I don't feel like retrieving it. But all that doesn't matter; it's about the play.Pard chooses to lead a . Naturally, he picks a small one, instead of leading Q to kill dummy's K. I can't guess that he has QJ, so I must put up my A as declarer ducks. I don't know whether proper play of the suit would have set them, but what happened certainly didn't help our cause. Of course he thought he made a perfectly reasonable lead.

And I wanted to...

Bludgeon the blundering bum with the BridgeMate.

But I didn't.

Instead, I heaved a sigh of relief when he announced, at the end of the game, that we were not suited to one another either in personality or in bridge, and it was best to part company before there was bloodshed. I thought that was the wisest decision he had made since we began our association.

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